It is true: I don’t like the push towards positive thinking.
I think that CBT is about realistic evaluation of what is happening in our lives and about learning how to manage our inner experiences in a way that makes sense AND feels real. It’s about cultivating a stance of open curiosity towards our world and fostering the willingness to tinker. Our growth is a process of tinkering. The trial and error. The ongoing negotiation between what we want, what is possible, what is currently available and what we are actually willing to do the get those things that we claim are important. How much effort am I willing to put into learning a new language or becoming an artist? A lot is possible but it is also darn hard. How do I stay positive after a death of a loved one? At best I can ensure that I don’t shortchange my life even further and do my best to engage in everything else that still matters.
My positive thoughts are not going to will things into happening. And that is the crux: Changing the way we view ourselves will not be of any help if we fail to act in accordance with our goals. Actions over affirmations. Consider the cartoon of a man practicing affirmations[1]
Affirmations without action lead to frustration and disappointment. After all, the person is following all the instructions to think positively, but very little seems to change as attempts at action yield feelings of discomfort and we are back to trying to boost motivation through ritualized self-praise. Overemphasizing positive thinking might turn our clients into active members of a wellbeing thought police. Any negative thought becomes a signal that requires immediate attention.
So what can we do instead?
Well, we are going to start with a thought record. It is good to use worksheets. Without writing our thoughts down we might not even know what is happening inside of our heads[2]. Some of our thoughts will come as a surprise and some might be very painful to face. Yet, how can we understand and work on something that we are not even aware of? A typical worksheet would ask for evidence for an against our conclusions and aim to clarify what we would like to see happen in the circumstances that we are faced with.
Afterwards we start behavioural experiments. Behavioural experiments are just what the name implies -- we start experimenting with our actions to see which behaviours are effective. Thinking that nothing is effective leaves us with self-fulfilling prophecies. A young girl who views herself as unlikeable will reject invitations and keep to herself at school. A disillusioned worker at a large company will not approach HR to discuss potential for career progress. It is true that we might not get what we want just because we dare to act. However, only daring to act allows us to evaluate efficacy of our actions and to adjust our strategies and expectations. The more we are proactive, the easier it gets. Confidence comes from action. Wishful thinking and escaping into imagination is not without consequences. Reality is unescapable. Imagining a peaceful island will not get rid of the dirty dishes....
[1] Cartoons used in this blog were commissioned from Jared Mitchell. If you want Jared to do some sketches contact him at: jaredmitchellart@gmail.com
[2] If you have hard time noticing your thoughts, use the Redirection through Mindfulness recording to assist with your observations. Some clients find the Building Awareness and Effectiveness worksheet to be quite helpful.
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