Anger and aggression are close friends too. Yet it is quite possible to be angry without engaging in aggressive behaviour (even though your body is getting primed to do just that). It is also possible to be aggressive – imposing our will on others in a forceful manner and without regard for their wellbeing – without feeling angry. 

 

Anger can be reactive, a short but powerful response to being treated unjustly, but it can also be experienced as a ruminative seething state that builds when we get preoccupied with past wrongs. Anger might be justified but it is not useful. Imagine that you have suffered injuries in an accident caused by a drunk driver. No amount of anger that you feel – or the punishment you insist that the drunk driver receives – will take away your injury. Justice does not require anger and there is nothing wrong with pursuing it. The drunk driver might be sent to jail or to rehab but you have no choice but to tend to go through physio and rebuild your life. As unfair as it is, the culprit cannot feel physical pain on your behalf. How much time do you want to spend on angry reminiscing? It is true that if you were not in this accident, life would have been easier. It is also true that the angry preoccupation adds insult to injury as it increases your pain.

 

Relaxation practice is great to reduce baseline irritability. Some people get very restless during relaxation exercises because a relaxed body state makes them feel vulnerable. They need to stay vigilant least something happens to them. You can slow down your physiology by slowing down your breathing, but it is rather difficult and counterproductive to go through relaxation practice in the middle of an exchange that made you angry. We don’t always have an opportunity to leave to compose ourselves. Besides we need to be able to express our disagreement or hurt. We can’t always walk away or breathe through our problems.

 

So, what works? Telling you that anger is wrong? Of course not. Anger is necessary. It just does not have to be overwhelming, excessively intense or associated with behaviours that we later regret. How we experience anger is rooted in our histories. Treating anger in someone who experienced trauma might be different from treating anger in someone who is currently facing unjust accusations at work or going through a divorce. One thing for certain: anger equals suffering. Imagine living in a world that you are at war with or victimized by. Not surprisingly, there is a strong correlation between anger and suicide